PUT THE KIDS FIRST

Take this quick test to see where you are now. Don't judge yourself if you don't do too well, be honest and use it as an eye-opener to see the points where you can improve.

Don't forget: Your outside world is a mirror to your inside world; and that applies even more in the case of your children and ex-partner.

Test: How are you treating your children (From the book "Stepwives")

Circle the answer that best fits your reply:

1. Do you put the kids first by:

a. buying them presents?

b. only talking to them when they start to talk to you?

c. separate adult issues from child issues?

2. When you are angry with your ex-partner or stepwife, you:

a. tell him/her that he/she is crazy/egoistic/not trustworthy

b. tell the children that he/she is crazy/egoistic/not trustworthy

c. gain self-control and write your feelings in your journal

3. As the ex-wife and mother, you:

a. tell your kids how much it would hurt you if they loved their stepmother

b. tell them they are traitors because they like their stepmother

c. tell them it's okay to form their own feelings about their stepmother

4. The kids are acting out, so you:

a. punish them by taking away TV or computer time

b. embarrass them by telling their friends what's been happening at home

c. try to discover what their feelings are

5. The kids are disrespecting you as their stepmother or stepfather, so you:

a. stop speaking to them

b. tell their father/mother to handle it

c. talk to them about the role you, as a stepmother or stepfather, want to play in their lives

6. Your child is always ready to take care of everyone and everything, so you:

a. give her more responsibility

b. tell her she has a problem and go get some help

c. let her know it's important for her to allow herself to be nurtured

7. You've been called into school because your child had been disrupting the class, so you.

a. excuse him from having to do anything

b. have a mentor talk to him

c. organize consistently with reasonable rules and expectations

8. Your child lies around in his room all day, so you:

a. buy him a new bed

b. don't allow him to come to the dinner table

c. find something he's interested in and become involved in it too

9. There hasn't been much consistency since the divorce, so you:

a. decide that you will have whatever rules you want in your own house

b. say dinnertime will be at 6.00 and never follow through

c. select some routines to share at both houses and stick to them

10. Your stepdaughter reminds you of your husband's ex, so you:

a. dye her hair purple

b. pick on her all the time

c. treat her like your own child because it's not her fault she look like your stepwife.

If you answered a or b to every question, you need to consider how much of the child's behavior is coming directly from your attitude. I you answered c to every question, you are putting the children first, and by doing so, treating them as respected dignitaries. Congratulations are in order!