I have lately been studying a lot about the effects of divorce on children.

What I discovered, is that it is really important that we are happy ourselves. When we are happy ourselves, our children also thrive. We have the capability to create a happy, safe environment, if we only know how. One question which has been really life-saving for us as a couple is:

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

I have to admit to admit that there have been long, long years that I wanted to be right…. And I never realized that it was costing me happiness. I even am sure that my way of wanting to be right, actually worsened the effects of divorce for my daughter…

Just the other day, I heard an interview with an relationship coach (in the interview series by Christian Carter… worth it!). She asked that question: “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”

She explained it like this: When she is in an argument with her partner, and she wants to be right, the argument gets worse, and there’s no togetherness anymore at that moment. Now, if you want happiness and openness and togetherness, you need to realize what happens if you fight to be right. The moment you find that you’d rather have closeness instead of being right, you suddenly look at yourself from a distance.

I have to admit, it’s probably bad for your ego, but my ego can absolutely do with a bit less, if I’m honest.

So.

When I get critical remarks about something I’ve done, and I find myself automatically shift into defense-gear, I now more and more often realize that that’s NOT what I want.

I’ll give you an example from my own life, it IS embarrassing… I admit. (I intentionally give examples from my own life, because I want to show you that if I can, you can too!)

A couple of days ago, we were talking about the start of my blogging era. Right in the beginning, I was talking about my own private life, and I would talk about my family too. I never realized that children can be highly embarrassed when they read about themselves online. Even though I am convinced that no one else would recognize the stories, they obviously did, and they did not like it. In the beginning I thought it was just over sensitive behavior from their side, but that did not any good to our relationship of course!

Only after I found the quote about the happy or right choice, I realized that I was busy “being right”. The remark my better half made when we talked about that, was: “You suddenly show some humility, I never thought you would”.

Now, humility is not my favorite…
But I have to admit, that I think it’s a good character trait for others

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