Yesterday night, my husband and I talked about my neighbor’s dog. (We talk every night, and it is funny how the strangest subjects often lead back to the effects of divorce on our own behavior). I breed dogs for a hobby, and in the neighborhood people use me as a kind of cheap first aid resource for dogs. The neighbor called me to see his dog, she is a lovely big pup, probably weighing 20 kilos already, and she had not eaten for 2 days.

Suddenly I was back in time, in 1999, when my own dog of the same breed got ill and died. I have felt so bad about that, I cried for days after she died. Partly because I missed her, but even more because I felt guilty that I had not taken the right decision when I saw she was off-color. I am ashamed to admit, that I even thought that it would not be a bad idea if she went. She was a pretty nasty to strangers, and I wanted a Great Dane. Two big dogs would be too much… So I took her to the vet too late, and I will never forget the way she looked at me, just before she passed away (still gives me tears in my eyes).

The Buddha says ‘All disappointment comes from expectations’.

And sure, we all have expectations when it comes to ourselves.

So, when she died, I felt so bad and so guilty, especially about that thought that I would not mind if she would die. I know that she felt that, and I should never have thought like that about her… and she should never have had to feel that the person she trusted and loved thought about her that way.

I learned a lot more, later, about the strength of our thoughts. Any one who saw The Secret, or What The Bleep, will agree: Everything is energy, and even thoughts vibrate with the world surrounding us.

Now, feeling bad about something we did, that is something we all know. Often, however, the process stops there. And the feeling becomes a little pebble (or a big rock, depending on the strength of the emotion) in our stomach or tummy. I walked around with this stone for all these years, without realizing it. Yesterday it suddenly came to the surface, and, even worse, my husband told me again that it was my own fault, and that I had no one to blame but myself.

Now, he is a very caring and loving husband, he just loves it when everything is working, when there is peace and harmony. We are lucky enough to live like that almost always, but sometimes we apparently have a little lesson to learn. Well, yesterday I had my lesson…

When he started to tell me that I should have taken other decisions, back then, I went into defense-gear. I know very well, that that will not word. Defense-gear means stopping to communicate. Words are used as missiles, and I stop to try understanding what he really means. It took some time before I understood what was happening, and only later this night, I woke up with a clear view of the meaning of it all.

I never forgave myself the mistake I made, I simply pushed it away. I never asked my dog for forgiveness (anyway, who asks a dead dog for forgiveness…?), and the end result was that I carry around this little package of undigested emotions. Any remark, pointing towards that emotion, puts me in defense gear, and I stop listening, I stop hearing, I just defend myself. I even stop looking at my own role.

So, it is very easy to push the button when you know where it is. Just say “hey, it was your own fault that she died”, and BANG, off I go.

The lesson in it for me: I have to learn to forgive myself. I decided to accept that I am not perfect, and that it is not a secret that I am not perfect. I make mistakes, oftentimes more than once, and the only thing I can hope is that I learn from them.

This morning I managed to get back in my normal soft mode, and I sent my husband an text message, to say that that was my button he pushed, and that I was sorry about that. It is much more difficult however to say ’sorry’ to myself, and to say ’sorry’ to the dead dog. ‘Sorry’ is so much more difficult when it comes to feelings deep inside! Anyway, will have to work on that, in order to remove the ‘button’!

I used a new technique I learned just the other day. As many of you know, I teach a centering exercise in my e-book and 6-week-course. I now discovered a technique which makes it easier to get back into your own balance. It is NLP based, and the best part of it is that it is free too, just like my own stuff. A friend of mine developed it, if you want to check it out have a look at http://magic-hats.com. I was lucky enough to be a ‘guinea pig’ for testing it, the course itself will be launched very soon.

If you have not yet downloaded my free e-book, please feel free to do it now!

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