‘I tried so hard to be accepted by my stepson, but he will just not change his attitude. He hates me, and he feels like I should not be there. What can I do to make him change his mind? Is this just one of the effects of divorce I have to accept, or is there something I can do?’

The stepfather who asked me this question, felt really sad. He had tried really hard, and the stepson did not give even the slightest sign of reaction. The troubled relation between the two even started to have drawbacks on the marriage, and although he really loves his wife, he asked me if it would not be better to leave them in peace, and maybe wait until the boy would leave home. It was not easy for him to even think about that possibility, but he was really at his wit’s end he admitted.

Before we started talking about the possibilities he has, I asked him how long he had been trying for so hard. His answer was ‘almost 8 months now’. I know that 8 months is an awful long time, if you try day after day, and you get a ‘no’ for an answer just as many times. In terms of blending two families however, ( and in terms of overcoming the effects of divorce) 8 months is a very short time… Patricia Papernow, author of the book Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships. Stepfamily researcher James Bray discovered that stepfamilies members, only start to feel like a family after the second or third year…

I am sure that this stepfather is not the only one, who starts doubting his decision to get married. I am afraid that most of us have gone through those phases, and luckily we normally just hang in there. I will explain why it is so hard, and why it is so important to hang in there, even if we feel it is not at all what we were longing for.

Being a stepparent is often extremely hard, and most often we did not expect any of the problems we suddenly encounter. What we did not realize before we got married, is that the children have their own way of looking at the world, and that from their point of view, few of our decisions actually make sense. The children are part of a very complex family system, where grandparents (often 4 sets of them!), stepparents (2), and stepsiblings in two different settings (mom’s and dad’s) are just the start. The children never asked for the divorce, if it was for them, they mostly would go back to the pre-divorce situation rather today. Life was so much simpler and easier back then!

If we think about it this way, it is not surprising that children need time to get accustomed to this new setting, and that all adults involved play an important role in the speed with which the integration will take place. One dissatisfied or insecure adult can make things 1000 times more complicated for the rest, just because his or her own fears and anger will seep into the relationships between the children and the other adults involved. Unfortunately, dissatisfaction and fear are common effects of divorce for adults and children alike…

Many of the problems we encounter as a stepparent, do have little to do with us as a person. Children have their own past, their own expectations, their own fears. Because they are children, you can not hold them accountable for these feelings based on their experiences, and asking them to change them has no chance. You are the only one who can influence the process. It is your own attitude, which is key to the ease with which you will form a bond with your stepchild!

I want to give you a short list of clues, which will help you to become more happier now, and which will make that the relationship with your (step)children grows into a happy warm bond much faster.

• Enjoy what there is, instead of thinking about what you would have hoped there would be.
• Let the children set the pace for their relationship with you.
• Follow them, instead of them following you: If they seek affection, give it; If they seek distance, accept it.Do not assume that you have authority. You gain respect, but you can never force it.
• Before you even think of authority: Go for mutual respect and affection first.
• Look for the little special moments and be grateful for them. Search to build more of these.
• Often stepchildren do not feel comfortable to be alone with their stepparent at first. Go for group-activities first.
• Do not attempt to create emotional closeness. This will eventually grow.
• Do not forget that the effects of divorce are still bothering the children, give them the time, their feel of loss will slowly disappear.
• Do not put pressure!

When we talk about the different points of view of the children as opposed to the parents and stepparents, there is one point which stands out: the way children see the ideal relationship with their stepparent. Adults often assume that this relationship should resemble a parent-child relationship, but children would rather see their stepparent as a ‘friend’. A friend, who offers support, encourages the child to develop and grow, and who reinforces the positive values in the child’s life. Do not expect too much of yourself, your spouse or your stepchild. Expectations lead to disappointment and frustration. Set your expectations on a realistic level, rather too low than too high, and set yourself up for happiness instead. If you watch yourself from a distance, and you acknowledge the fact that you are not e ‘parent’ figure, but rather a ‘friend’, life will become much easier. Accept the way the kids treat you, and look for the positive meaning of everything. If you feel not respected as a parent, it will feel much better if you see yourself as a friend. Don’t be afraid to change your paradigm.

What it boils down to, is that we, as stepparents and biological parents, make a priority of being happy and balanced ourselves first. The better we manage, the better the relationship with our stepchildren will be. I found some very helpful techniques to help myself to stay balanced and centered, and I find that this helps me very much in the relationship with everybody around me. I use Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ quite often, I use the techniques I described in my e-book ‘From Havoc to Heaven’, and I recently discovered maybe the most powerful technique I know, the ‘Magic Hats’. The sooner you start to develop your own capability if being happy and balanced, despite circumstances, the better it is. you, your spouse, your children and your stepchildren will benefit beyond expectation.

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