Before the end of the decade, more people will be part of a stepfamily than any other family form.

Forming a new family with children from a previous marriage requires training and education, as the experts all agree. As statistics show, however, most stepcouples don’t get this training. Probably that is why 60% of second marriages fail. Often new partners think that this time they are going to get it all right, after all they learned the hard way. In terms of blending two families however, (and in terms of overcoming the effects of divorce) 8 months is a very short time… Patricia Papernow, author of Becoming a Stepfamily: Patterns of Development in Remarried Families (Analytic Press), gives four guidelines for successful stepfamily development:

1. Do not attempt too much change too fast.

Establishing too many new rules and expectations creates too much instability for children. On the other hand, no change at all in family rules can leave stepparents as strangers in their own homes. Dr. Papernow suggests that stepparent and parent, together, work out, at the most, two or three changes in rules and expectations to start with. Do not expect to “blend” parenting styles, family rules and values right away. Research shows that it takes at least a couple of years for even “fast” new stepcouples to understand their differences enough to begin to forge some new agreements that work for everyone. In Dr. Papernow’s experience, “faster” stepfamilies treat their differences as items to calmly explore and be curious about. “Slower” families argue over “right” and “wrong.” Meanwhile, she warns, expect that many differences will remain in place. While this may feel awkward and “unfamily like,” Dr. Papernow reminds us that although this is un first-time family like, it is normal in a stepfamily.

2. Children adjust best when the original parent remains in charge of discipline.

Research shows that, generally, when stepparents attempt to directly discipline their stepchildren, it backfires.

3. Stepparents, as outsiders and newcomers, have different needs of children than their parents do.

Stepparents also often have very useful input about children’s needs and issues. Stepparents do need to bring up issues about their stepchildren, but with their adult partner, not directly with the children. In addition, Dr. Papernow suggests, because most parents are extremely sensitive about their parenting and about their children, stepparents will be most successful if they can raise their concerns with kindness and care. And, again, while stepparents do need to give their input, the children’s parent needs to retain final say over rules and discipline.

4. “Compartmentalizing” works much better than “blending,” says Dr. Papernow.

Paradoxically, stepfamilies develop best when families carve out one-to-one time throughout the family. The adult couple needs regular time alone without children. Children need reliable time alone with their own parent, without the stepparent. Stepparent and stepchildren need low-key time alone together to get to know each other slowly. Keep time together as a whole new family brief. Expect that time spent in the whole family will often be tense at least for the first years. Dr. Papernow says, “This doesn’t mean you have failed. It just means you are living in a stepfamily, not a first-time family.

Stepfamilies differ from nuclear families in multiple ways. Following these four guidelines is critical. They provide a bare minimum for successful stepfamily development. If you are considering forming a new stepfamily, you can dramatically increase your chances of success by educating yourself about what to expect, what works, and what doesn’t. Get yourself books, articles, information, and consider asking a coach or counselor to assist you. The happiness of your family is worth any effort, isn’t it?

Dr. Patricia Papernow specializes in issues in stepfamilies, remarried couples, and post-divorce parenting. Dr. Papernow has written numerous articles and book chapters in both the academic and lay press on post-divorce parenting and remarried family life, and she is a board member for the National Stepfamily Resource Center.

If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed. Thanks for visiting! Don't forget to sign up for the "21 Questions to ask your partner"!

‘I tried so hard to be accepted by my stepson, but he will just not change his attitude. He hates me, and he feels like I should not be there. What can I do to make him change his mind? Is this just one of the effects of divorce I have to accept, or is there something I can do?’

The stepfather who asked me this question, felt really sad. He had tried really hard, and the stepson did not give even the slightest sign of reaction. The troubled relation between the two even started to have drawbacks on the marriage, and although he really loves his wife, he asked me if it would not be better to leave them in peace, and maybe wait until the boy would leave home. It was not easy for him to even think about that possibility, but he was really at his wit’s end he admitted.

Before we started talking about the possibilities he has, I asked him how long he had been trying for so hard. His answer was ‘almost 8 months now’. I know that 8 months is an awful long time, if you try day after day, and you get a ‘no’ for an answer just as many times. In terms of blending two families however, ( and in terms of overcoming the effects of divorce) 8 months is a very short time… Patricia Papernow, author of the book Becoming a Stepfamily, discovered that it takes the average stepfamily seven years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships. Stepfamily researcher James Bray discovered that stepfamilies members, only start to feel like a family after the second or third year…

I am sure that this stepfather is not the only one, who starts doubting his decision to get married. I am afraid that most of us have gone through those phases, and luckily we normally just hang in there. I will explain why it is so hard, and why it is so important to hang in there, even if we feel it is not at all what we were longing for.

Being a stepparent is often extremely hard, and most often we did not expect any of the problems we suddenly encounter. What we did not realize before we got married, is that the children have their own way of looking at the world, and that from their point of view, few of our decisions actually make sense. The children are part of a very complex family system, where grandparents (often 4 sets of them!), stepparents (2), and stepsiblings in two different settings (mom’s and dad’s) are just the start. The children never asked for the divorce, if it was for them, they mostly would go back to the pre-divorce situation rather today. Life was so much simpler and easier back then!

If we think about it this way, it is not surprising that children need time to get accustomed to this new setting, and that all adults involved play an important role in the speed with which the integration will take place. One dissatisfied or insecure adult can make things 1000 times more complicated for the rest, just because his or her own fears and anger will seep into the relationships between the children and the other adults involved. Unfortunately, dissatisfaction and fear are common effects of divorce for adults and children alike…

Many of the problems we encounter as a stepparent, do have little to do with us as a person. Children have their own past, their own expectations, their own fears. Because they are children, you can not hold them accountable for these feelings based on their experiences, and asking them to change them has no chance. You are the only one who can influence the process. It is your own attitude, which is key to the ease with which you will form a bond with your stepchild!

I want to give you a short list of clues, which will help you to become more happier now, and which will make that the relationship with your (step)children grows into a happy warm bond much faster.

• Enjoy what there is, instead of thinking about what you would have hoped there would be.
• Let the children set the pace for their relationship with you.
• Follow them, instead of them following you: If they seek affection, give it; If they seek distance, accept it.Do not assume that you have authority. You gain respect, but you can never force it.
• Before you even think of authority: Go for mutual respect and affection first.
• Look for the little special moments and be grateful for them. Search to build more of these.
• Often stepchildren do not feel comfortable to be alone with their stepparent at first. Go for group-activities first.
• Do not attempt to create emotional closeness. This will eventually grow.
• Do not forget that the effects of divorce are still bothering the children, give them the time, their feel of loss will slowly disappear.
• Do not put pressure!

When we talk about the different points of view of the children as opposed to the parents and stepparents, there is one point which stands out: the way children see the ideal relationship with their stepparent. Adults often assume that this relationship should resemble a parent-child relationship, but children would rather see their stepparent as a ‘friend’. A friend, who offers support, encourages the child to develop and grow, and who reinforces the positive values in the child’s life. Do not expect too much of yourself, your spouse or your stepchild. Expectations lead to disappointment and frustration. Set your expectations on a realistic level, rather too low than too high, and set yourself up for happiness instead. If you watch yourself from a distance, and you acknowledge the fact that you are not e ‘parent’ figure, but rather a ‘friend’, life will become much easier. Accept the way the kids treat you, and look for the positive meaning of everything. If you feel not respected as a parent, it will feel much better if you see yourself as a friend. Don’t be afraid to change your paradigm.

What it boils down to, is that we, as stepparents and biological parents, make a priority of being happy and balanced ourselves first. The better we manage, the better the relationship with our stepchildren will be. I found some very helpful techniques to help myself to stay balanced and centered, and I find that this helps me very much in the relationship with everybody around me. I use Byron Katie’s ‘The Work’ quite often, I use the techniques I described in my e-book ‘From Havoc to Heaven’, and I recently discovered maybe the most powerful technique I know, the ‘Magic Hats’. The sooner you start to develop your own capability if being happy and balanced, despite circumstances, the better it is. you, your spouse, your children and your stepchildren will benefit beyond expectation.

Yesterday night, my husband and I talked about my neighbor’s dog. (We talk every night, and it is funny how the strangest subjects often lead back to the effects of divorce on our own behavior). I breed dogs for a hobby, and in the neighborhood people use me as a kind of cheap first aid resource for dogs. The neighbor called me to see his dog, she is a lovely big pup, probably weighing 20 kilos already, and she had not eaten for 2 days.

Suddenly I was back in time, in 1999, when my own dog of the same breed got ill and died. I have felt so bad about that, I cried for days after she died. Partly because I missed her, but even more because I felt guilty that I had not taken the right decision when I saw she was off-color. I am ashamed to admit, that I even thought that it would not be a bad idea if she went. She was a pretty nasty to strangers, and I wanted a Great Dane. Two big dogs would be too much… So I took her to the vet too late, and I will never forget the way she looked at me, just before she passed away (still gives me tears in my eyes).

The Buddha says ‘All disappointment comes from expectations’.

And sure, we all have expectations when it comes to ourselves.

So, when she died, I felt so bad and so guilty, especially about that thought that I would not mind if she would die. I know that she felt that, and I should never have thought like that about her… and she should never have had to feel that the person she trusted and loved thought about her that way.

I learned a lot more, later, about the strength of our thoughts. Any one who saw The Secret, or What The Bleep, will agree: Everything is energy, and even thoughts vibrate with the world surrounding us.

Now, feeling bad about something we did, that is something we all know. Often, however, the process stops there. And the feeling becomes a little pebble (or a big rock, depending on the strength of the emotion) in our stomach or tummy. I walked around with this stone for all these years, without realizing it. Yesterday it suddenly came to the surface, and, even worse, my husband told me again that it was my own fault, and that I had no one to blame but myself.

Now, he is a very caring and loving husband, he just loves it when everything is working, when there is peace and harmony. We are lucky enough to live like that almost always, but sometimes we apparently have a little lesson to learn. Well, yesterday I had my lesson…

When he started to tell me that I should have taken other decisions, back then, I went into defense-gear. I know very well, that that will not word. Defense-gear means stopping to communicate. Words are used as missiles, and I stop to try understanding what he really means. It took some time before I understood what was happening, and only later this night, I woke up with a clear view of the meaning of it all.

I never forgave myself the mistake I made, I simply pushed it away. I never asked my dog for forgiveness (anyway, who asks a dead dog for forgiveness…?), and the end result was that I carry around this little package of undigested emotions. Any remark, pointing towards that emotion, puts me in defense gear, and I stop listening, I stop hearing, I just defend myself. I even stop looking at my own role.

So, it is very easy to push the button when you know where it is. Just say “hey, it was your own fault that she died”, and BANG, off I go.

The lesson in it for me: I have to learn to forgive myself. I decided to accept that I am not perfect, and that it is not a secret that I am not perfect. I make mistakes, oftentimes more than once, and the only thing I can hope is that I learn from them.

This morning I managed to get back in my normal soft mode, and I sent my husband an text message, to say that that was my button he pushed, and that I was sorry about that. It is much more difficult however to say ’sorry’ to myself, and to say ’sorry’ to the dead dog. ‘Sorry’ is so much more difficult when it comes to feelings deep inside! Anyway, will have to work on that, in order to remove the ‘button’!

I used a new technique I learned just the other day. As many of you know, I teach a centering exercise in my e-book and 6-week-course. I now discovered a technique which makes it easier to get back into your own balance. It is NLP based, and the best part of it is that it is free too, just like my own stuff. A friend of mine developed it, if you want to check it out have a look at http://magic-hats.com. I was lucky enough to be a ‘guinea pig’ for testing it, the course itself will be launched very soon.

If you have not yet downloaded my free e-book, please feel free to do it now!

If you like this article, please help others to find it too, by clicking in a couple of the little icons below. It should be fast and easy. Have fun!

My better half is very interested in my work and my research, as you probably know he is co-author of my book “From Havoc to Heaven”, in which we give step-by-step blueprints to create a great family life within 6 weeks.

We feel that the effects of divorce are often worsened by the fact that the adults (parents, stepparents, grandparents…) do not have the right information. All adults involved need the right mindset to be effective in creating a warm, loving, safe atmosphere in which the children come to grips with the effects of divorce, and the loss that divorce always implies. (You can get a free copy at http://stepfamilyheaven.com).

Since I am ranking quite well with my page, he started comparing other sites to our own, and sometimes he stumbles on real good information. I will share with you what we consider to be useful, so that you and we together can help as many children and parents as possible! The following description he found on psychpage.com. (adapted)

Effects of Parental Divorce on Children of Varying Ages

Preschool (2.5 to 6 years)

Initial reactions: Preschool children are much more likely to blame themselves for the divorce; also likely to fear abandonment by the remaining parent. They may be confused, have fantasies about reconciliation, and show difficulties in expressing their feelings. Boys and girls have different kinds of problems as a result of the divorce.
Later reactions (2-10 years after the divorce): Preschool kids are more likely to have fewer memories of either their own or their parents’ earlier conflict; they are generally close to custodial parent and a competent step-parent. May feel anger at an unavailable non-custodial parent that prevents a strong adult relationship.

Elementary School (7 to 12 years)
Initial reactions: Tend to express feelings of sadness, fear, and anger. They are less likely to blame themselves, but more likely to feel divided loyalties. They are better able to use extra-familial support. There is some support for placing children with their same-sex parent for best adjustment.
Later reactions: Tend to have the most difficulties in adapting to step-parenting and remarriage; may challenge family rules and regulations, and throw back “You’re not my real father/mother” during conflict. They tend to show decreased academic performance and disturbed peer relations.

Adolescence (13 to 18 years)
Initial reactions: Show difficulty coping with anger, outrage, shame, and sadness; they are more likely to reexamine their own values, and may disengage from the family to do this.
Later reactions: Shares feelings of the 7 to 12 group but may not be able to express them. May fear long-term relationships with others, and show adjustment difficulties such as running away, truancy, and delinquency.

In the meantime my ex-husband, my daughter’s father is staying with us for 10 days. We are actually having a good time together. My husband and my ex-husband get on very well, and my daughter adores it when everyone is together. The two men discussed this morning over coffee, that they should write a book together, about the dos and dont’s after divorce. I actually think that they are a very good example of how things can work out, and I feel very fortunate to be the “woman in the middle” of these two wonderful men. My ex-husband realized that he really wants to make a difference for divorced fathers, who are in desperation about their relationship with their children. It is really great to see that we both came out of our marriage with a strong drive to help others in similar situations!

As you know, what really gets me going, is the challenge of reducing the effects of divorce on all family members. More and more, I realize, that divorce is not a one-time event, but rather something which influences people for the rest of their lives, often on a daily basis. Scary…

One of the elements which I feel is fundamental in creating a happy and healthy atmosphere, and thereby reducing the negative effects of the rupture, is becoming a balanced, healthy and happy person yourself. You as a parent, grandparent, stepparent… Whichever role you play in the children’s life.

One key I discovered the other day, as I listened to a Christian Carter interview, is the difference between being a matcher and being a mismatcher. People are either matchers, or mismatchers. If you are a mismatcher, you are critical, you see what is missing, you see what is wrong. if you are a matcher, you see what is in it for you, you see what is right, you see what could be useful. Yesterday, I visited a friend of mine, Maria, together with Mike, another friend. Mike and I are extreme matchers, and Maria is a mismatcher. This turned out to be realy funny. Maria had chocolate biscuits for tea, a brand she had never had before, and neither did we. Maria’s first reaction was: “bèh, sloppy cookies, they seem to be old instead of fresh”. Mike and I said almost simultaneous: “Maybe they’re meant to be like that!” The package was divided into several small plastic packages with 5 cookies each, and after the first package we opened the second. The cookies in the second package were crispy…

What we realized, is that being extreme in either direction is not effective. Extreme mismatchers see all the shortcomings of everything, they only see the negative side and generally are not happy with their life. Extreme matchers only see possibilities, they only see the positive side, and they are very happy with their life. Being a matchers sounds attractive to me, I have to admit, but I do realize that much of my potential keeps being underused. It just seldom dawns on me that something could be better!

To read more about balancing your style of matching and mismatching and about other ways to avoid the negative effects of divorce, go to: http://stepfamilyheaven.com (download your free e-book there too).

PS. If you are also convinced, that we have to spread information in order to improve the lives of children of divorced parents, please click on a couple of this little icons here: it will help other people to find me, and you are helping me too!

I have lately been studying a lot about the effects of divorce on children.

What I discovered, is that it is really important that we are happy ourselves. When we are happy ourselves, our children also thrive. We have the capability to create a happy, safe environment, if we only know how. One question which has been really life-saving for us as a couple is:

Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?

I have to admit to admit that there have been long, long years that I wanted to be right…. And I never realized that it was costing me happiness. I even am sure that my way of wanting to be right, actually worsened the effects of divorce for my daughter…

Just the other day, I heard an interview with an relationship coach (in the interview series by Christian Carter… worth it!). She asked that question: “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?”

She explained it like this: When she is in an argument with her partner, and she wants to be right, the argument gets worse, and there’s no togetherness anymore at that moment. Now, if you want happiness and openness and togetherness, you need to realize what happens if you fight to be right. The moment you find that you’d rather have closeness instead of being right, you suddenly look at yourself from a distance.

I have to admit, it’s probably bad for your ego, but my ego can absolutely do with a bit less, if I’m honest.

So.

When I get critical remarks about something I’ve done, and I find myself automatically shift into defense-gear, I now more and more often realize that that’s NOT what I want.

I’ll give you an example from my own life, it IS embarrassing… I admit. (I intentionally give examples from my own life, because I want to show you that if I can, you can too!)

A couple of days ago, we were talking about the start of my blogging era. Right in the beginning, I was talking about my own private life, and I would talk about my family too. I never realized that children can be highly embarrassed when they read about themselves online. Even though I am convinced that no one else would recognize the stories, they obviously did, and they did not like it. In the beginning I thought it was just over sensitive behavior from their side, but that did not any good to our relationship of course!

Only after I found the quote about the happy or right choice, I realized that I was busy “being right”. The remark my better half made when we talked about that, was: “You suddenly show some humility, I never thought you would”.

Now, humility is not my favorite…
But I have to admit, that I think it’s a good character trait for others

PS. Don’t forget to download your free e-book on www.stepfamilyheaven.com

PS2. If you like this entry, please click on a couple of this little icons here: it will help other people to find me, and you are helping me too!

After your divorce, you probably have a whole series of new situations to adapt to. One of the areas in life where a lot changes, is the relationship with your children. Whether you are a custodial parent, a non-custodial parent or a co-parent, life changes dramatically for you and your children.

Many children will go through a phase of anger and frustration, and for us as a parent this is probably one of the most difficult situations to cope with. Children will vent their anger and frustration in different ways, but one thing they all have in common: Under their frustrations and angry words, you will find their deep love for Mom and Dad.

When our children go through their angry phase, it’s vital that we keep calm. Maybe you will think that this is easier said than done, and I agree.

Here in this blog, and on my website http://stepfamilyheaven.com, you will find resources, tips and hands-on help to get you and your children through.  Click on the link to download your free e-book about how to avoid the worst Effects of Divorce!

Start browsing the categories, add RSS feed to keep informed, read the real life stories from my own life and from the lives of the people I already helped getting through the havoc to the harmony and happiness we and our children deserve.